Button bond!

So I watched Benjamin Button today for the first time.....yes I know I am very behind! O my tears galore!
Many of you know that it has been hard for me to realize that my angels are just that.....MINE.
I have looked at them and just thought It feels as if we adopted or I was just Babysitting. The lack of bonding from our NICU experience had left me a little disconnected. Love them yes but didn't feel like a mom yet. Since we have come home it has been getting alot better. I notice that when I leave both or even just one of them behind I am needing to cuddle with them. It just makes me feel better.
So anyways, back to why I started with the benjamin story. The part in this movie were he makes the decision to leave his little girl behind. I cried cried cried. I was holding Brady at the time and just completly felt the fear of ever having to leave him behind and never seeing them again. UGH first major "MOM" moment.
Loving that I have these moments now but goodness this part is going to suck. From the girl who laughed at the Titanic( cause it was just so cheesey) To the Mother who cries at A baby story to a commercial.
So the mommy bond starts.........Here goes nothing!

Surprise, Surprise

So yea, I know, I suck at this. But yet maybe it has something to do with having not been home much lately. This week the only day I had to stay home was tuesday. Today is eye doctor, Monday and Thrusday Paige's feeding therapy, Friday is shots. Sometimes it all just seems insane. The doc's tell you to be so so careful with them but yet you have to take them so many times to the Doctor's does it really matter. But either way it sucks to have to take them both. We are waiting on paperwork to go through in order to get some money to get a new car. Until then it is a dance with my gracious mother to borrow her van.

I have found it amazing lately the things that people used to do, now bug the heck out of me. Normal since I have known them but now as I look at them through ( I can only call ) a Mother's eyes, irritates me. How can people be so selfish. I know I have an issue with that too but I try every moment to keep the lid on it. Or at least until Kit gets home! What I wouldn't do for our kids. I guess some of it I can not judge because I am not there yet but really, tell me is it that different? But anyways enough of me venting frustrations!

So for those of you that read on facebook know that I had to put a tube down Brady again. Sometimes I do wish he could be normal and just be. But really, I get it. He just is not. The strong little bugger has pulled the tube out 3 times since putting it in on Friday night. I guess he is saying I got rid of this once I will do it again. But yesterday after just 4 short days of having it in He had gained 9oz. Little porker!!! The little do do head went from not even gaining a tenth of an ounce a day to gaining about 2 oz a day. So far so good! now just a wait and see. Hopefully soon this will start calming down. On ecould only hope!

And now to the being Thankful part. Which should have come first but lets just pretend it did;) I have found this week that our wonderful friends that are going through the same muck, are on their ways out the door of the NICU/NIM. I know I probally scared the wits out of you guys with all of my drama but you know what...... You are strong families/people. And you will do great. Just remember do not think you can do it all. Just because you are home doesn't mean to give up the help you have been getting. You will still need it just maybe in a different compasity. I know it is so different too, between my life and yours but really I think even with my horror stories I still have the long stick in this deal. Continue to be strong, Look to God for your Refuge and Strength. God Bless you all.

first and foremost

So today is a day of firsts. Jan. 1st of the new year of 2010. And yes I am starting a blog. We will see how this process goes. Maybe this is my new way of coping with the new life I have. Wonderful yes, but none the less very different. I keep on thinking I go back to work soon. Then I start worrying about how I will do all of this and work. I then realize that this is now my new job. A wonderful and fullfilling new chapter. I hope that I can do justice to my children. I hope I can ask for help when I need it. I hope that I can be the kind of wife my husband needs. God give me the strength and stamina that I need to do all this in what I believe will be my hardest job yet. So here I am starting this new year with so many things new. I hope that it brings everyone things new. Maybe it will not be things you may have wanted but God is in control. He is with us always,through everything new!